7 Days

One day after I began this journey, I decided to join Lafayette's Cajun Cup 10K Run. I felt so motivated by so many people that first day, I knew I had to do it. It was one of those things where you feel so motivated, excited, nervous, anxious all in one. Then you just commit to do it. Then when you're all alone riding home you have second thoughts, but you know you could never back out of it. Well, that's kind of how I felt. I put myself out there as fearless, but I was full of fear on the inside.

I went home and download the Couch to 10K app on my iPhone. This was just a start. I studied the app (ironically as I sat on the couch) and it became clear that I could never run for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes 13 times?! In one day? I resisted temptation to see how rough it would be in Week 12 when I'd be supposedly "ready" for the race. So I stuck to looking at Week 1 and no further. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to Week 12 so why look anyway?

My very first walk outside of my comfort zone (the church parking lot where the "nice", supportive people are) was in our neighborhood. I was afraid. Very afraid. Why? I'm not sure. I didn't want people to judge me and say, "Wow, what is he doing? He's going to have a heart attack running like that. Is that even running? Bless his heart." I just put my mind to it, turned up my music and started walking. If I'd pass a house with it's door closed I'd start to run. If a house would have a door open or if a car would come down my road, I'd walk. I can't explain why it felt so awkward. I guess it was pride.

Very early in my walk, I encountered every mail delivery person and runner's nightmare. A big dog. I am not afraid of dogs, but this one was intimidating. When I noticed his owner I was relieved until his owner turned his back and Satan (my name for the dog) started to come toward me. As my app spoke to me it said, "Run Now." I chose not to since I knew I couldn't outrun Satan. His mouth came toward my ankles like a lion and I was the innocent rhino. I've seen Animal Planet and knew this wouldn't end well so I just kept walking slowly. Finally out of his sight I decided to run. I tried to start to ignore everything around me or I would never even complete a mile. I was ridiculously anxious I know. I knew I had to focus and not let anything distract me. The dog, the passing cars, the open doors....all Satan's (the real deal, not the dog) tactics to try and put obstacles in my way.

I listened to my music and one verse after another in each song spoke to me. From facing my fears, letting go, and giving God control of it all. Really letting go. I knew that was the only way that I could do this. To keep doing this. To continue on this journey.

During Week 1, I walked & ran 16 miles and never once was bitten by Satan! He actually doesn't even come by me anymore. I still don't believe that I actually finished Week 1. Was it easy? NO! It was hard. VERY hard to keep going. But it's not by my strength that I run this race.

"When you are on a rough path,

God always provides the right shoes."

---Corrie Ten Boom

Square One

As I kept pushing myself that first day, I thought, "I'm gonna die!" I was so out of breath, but as runners passed me and gave me a thumbs up I would just smile and try to breath shallow not to appear as though I was hyperventilating. I had to tell myself, "OK, get a grip. Breathe slowly. Slow it down." A friend of mine at work who is a runner told me to take it slow. So I reduced my pace. I wanted to be fast on my feet right away. A quick goal reached. But I realized it wasn't going to happen that day.

I kept walking and walking and before I knew it I had reached a mile. I tried to run in between walking trying to set small goals for myself. I would jog from one parking cone to the next in our church parking lot. Sometimes I could barely reach it, but I would push myself to keep going until I crossed the cone. It felt good to set a goal and reach it, no matter how small. For that day, I just wanted to keep going no matter how fast or slow. I just wanted to keep going as long as the others runners were going. I finished at 55 minutes and a little less than 4 miles! What? Me? Ok, my calculations must be off. I could not believe it.

As our time finished for the day I felt as though I could keep going. No joke. It seemed as though this could be something I could stick with for a while. I've tried several weight loss options, such as a low calorie diet, low carbs, low fat, etc. but this time I decided this was not going to be about weight loss. And it was not going to be for anyone else's benefit. I am at the end of my rope trying to please others with MY weight and MY health. This journey is more than that.

What I would learn in the next weeks was that this is even more than I ever would have imagined. Something I never thought was within reach. Something I never thought even God could help me accomplish.

It's more than a race. It's a journey.

"God, I'm gonna leave it to You now;
Letting go all of my fear and doubt.
I can't do this on my own,

so I'll give You control."

---Fireflight

5 Weeks

 One year ago I left here and I was working on my weight loss. Today I'm back still working on it. It's a journey, people say, not a destination. And a long journey it has turned out to be.

Five weeks ago I took a turn down a side road on my journey. I started running. Yes, running. This is something I never, ever thought would be part of MY journey. But God has showed me He has bigger plans for me. No, not a one-mile fun run or even a 5K, but a 10K. Yes, 10K. 6.2 miles. Yes, me. It began as my niece, Katie, asked me to join her in our church's running small group. You don't have to run, you just set your own pace. I thought, "Sure, I can walk a mile." I set an easily attainable goal for myself not to "push too hard" or try not to trip and fall and hurt myself. Also, one I knew I could achieve so I would feel good about myself. That first feeling after getting started was like Happy Feet trying to walk fast. I literally felt like a penguin as I began. Just walking fast felt awkward because I wanted to achieve an acceptable speed to the other runners who I felt earned their title as "runner".

On my first run that early Saturday morning, my niece told me that there weren't very many people the week prior. When I arrived there were what seemed like 50-60 people. I sat in my car just to get courage to get out and meet them. As I saw my niece I felt better, but it was still hard to get out of my car. As my nerves settled, I just kept telling myself  "do your best". As we began to run after the whistle sounded, everyone who was there left me behind. When I was about 1/4 mile through I wanted to give up. My shins hurt, my calves hurt, and my pride hurt. Everyone was ahead of me. Flashing back to high school on the track field lagging behind, I couldn't believe I had tears in my eyes. I decided to just suck it up and move. I kept moving and before I knew it everyone was lapping me and I wasn't even at a 1/2 mile. Discouraging thoughts crossed my mind..."you're a loser...you can't do this...what are you thinking?"

As I received pats on the back from other runners I started to feel more encouraged. I turned up the music on my iPod and just began to let my feet move. I started to get faster and faster. I looked behind me and no one was there so I started to shuffle my feet faster to practice this unknown thing to me, running. It was not bad, but I still felt like Happy Feet. But instead of feeling awkward and discouraged I started to feel more confident. I wasn't among a group of people that wanted to harm me and hurt my feelings. I was among brothers and sisters who truly want to see me succeed. I also felt God's hand under my feet. He said, "yes, you can". And I did! I made it through 4 miles that day. I finished for the day feeling like medical attention might be needed, but I started to feel OK after water and stretches. Words really can't describe what I really felt. I seriously cannot remember ever running before that day.

So I'm on this journey and I can't believe it. I want to share it with those who might need some encouragement. If someone would have told me just 6 weeks ago that I'd be running I would have thought they were crazy. Running? Me? God really does have a sense of humor after all.

"When you're fighting to believe in a love you cannot see;

Just know there is a purpose for those who believe."

---Fireflight