Square One

As I kept pushing myself that first day, I thought, "I'm gonna die!" I was so out of breath, but as runners passed me and gave me a thumbs up I would just smile and try to breath shallow not to appear as though I was hyperventilating. I had to tell myself, "OK, get a grip. Breathe slowly. Slow it down." A friend of mine at work who is a runner told me to take it slow. So I reduced my pace. I wanted to be fast on my feet right away. A quick goal reached. But I realized it wasn't going to happen that day.

I kept walking and walking and before I knew it I had reached a mile. I tried to run in between walking trying to set small goals for myself. I would jog from one parking cone to the next in our church parking lot. Sometimes I could barely reach it, but I would push myself to keep going until I crossed the cone. It felt good to set a goal and reach it, no matter how small. For that day, I just wanted to keep going no matter how fast or slow. I just wanted to keep going as long as the others runners were going. I finished at 55 minutes and a little less than 4 miles! What? Me? Ok, my calculations must be off. I could not believe it.

As our time finished for the day I felt as though I could keep going. No joke. It seemed as though this could be something I could stick with for a while. I've tried several weight loss options, such as a low calorie diet, low carbs, low fat, etc. but this time I decided this was not going to be about weight loss. And it was not going to be for anyone else's benefit. I am at the end of my rope trying to please others with MY weight and MY health. This journey is more than that.

What I would learn in the next weeks was that this is even more than I ever would have imagined. Something I never thought was within reach. Something I never thought even God could help me accomplish.

It's more than a race. It's a journey.

"God, I'm gonna leave it to You now;
Letting go all of my fear and doubt.
I can't do this on my own,

so I'll give You control."

---Fireflight

5 Weeks

 One year ago I left here and I was working on my weight loss. Today I'm back still working on it. It's a journey, people say, not a destination. And a long journey it has turned out to be.

Five weeks ago I took a turn down a side road on my journey. I started running. Yes, running. This is something I never, ever thought would be part of MY journey. But God has showed me He has bigger plans for me. No, not a one-mile fun run or even a 5K, but a 10K. Yes, 10K. 6.2 miles. Yes, me. It began as my niece, Katie, asked me to join her in our church's running small group. You don't have to run, you just set your own pace. I thought, "Sure, I can walk a mile." I set an easily attainable goal for myself not to "push too hard" or try not to trip and fall and hurt myself. Also, one I knew I could achieve so I would feel good about myself. That first feeling after getting started was like Happy Feet trying to walk fast. I literally felt like a penguin as I began. Just walking fast felt awkward because I wanted to achieve an acceptable speed to the other runners who I felt earned their title as "runner".

On my first run that early Saturday morning, my niece told me that there weren't very many people the week prior. When I arrived there were what seemed like 50-60 people. I sat in my car just to get courage to get out and meet them. As I saw my niece I felt better, but it was still hard to get out of my car. As my nerves settled, I just kept telling myself  "do your best". As we began to run after the whistle sounded, everyone who was there left me behind. When I was about 1/4 mile through I wanted to give up. My shins hurt, my calves hurt, and my pride hurt. Everyone was ahead of me. Flashing back to high school on the track field lagging behind, I couldn't believe I had tears in my eyes. I decided to just suck it up and move. I kept moving and before I knew it everyone was lapping me and I wasn't even at a 1/2 mile. Discouraging thoughts crossed my mind..."you're a loser...you can't do this...what are you thinking?"

As I received pats on the back from other runners I started to feel more encouraged. I turned up the music on my iPod and just began to let my feet move. I started to get faster and faster. I looked behind me and no one was there so I started to shuffle my feet faster to practice this unknown thing to me, running. It was not bad, but I still felt like Happy Feet. But instead of feeling awkward and discouraged I started to feel more confident. I wasn't among a group of people that wanted to harm me and hurt my feelings. I was among brothers and sisters who truly want to see me succeed. I also felt God's hand under my feet. He said, "yes, you can". And I did! I made it through 4 miles that day. I finished for the day feeling like medical attention might be needed, but I started to feel OK after water and stretches. Words really can't describe what I really felt. I seriously cannot remember ever running before that day.

So I'm on this journey and I can't believe it. I want to share it with those who might need some encouragement. If someone would have told me just 6 weeks ago that I'd be running I would have thought they were crazy. Running? Me? God really does have a sense of humor after all.

"When you're fighting to believe in a love you cannot see;

Just know there is a purpose for those who believe."

---Fireflight